Update: Got Ramen!

Just ejaculated into a boiling pot.... Thought the local vagrants wanted it so I went out back and force-fed it to them lol.

They started gasping for air right away, gagging on it, eventually turning blue and crumpling to the floor. They looked happy.

I went back inside but just a short minute later I could hear a strange gurgle and what sounded like the ripping and tearing of cloth. I went back out and found the stomachs of the vagrants torn asunder, black masses of claw and arm and tooth wriggling about inside of them. I could hear them talking but they had no mouths. They just talked, completely disregarding all known laws of physics and bioacoustics.

Then they started screeching, screeching and crying and calling out for their mothers who would never show. Did they even have mothers?

The sounds pierced my skull and the sky started bleeding and the howling trumpets of eons past sounded all about and my house told me to go away, it didn't need me- no house needed anyone at all ever.

I scoffed, I heard the vagrants quietly weeping. I saw the stars fall and die in the sea. I tried to go back inside but the path changed as I walked. I would walk forward only to find myself walking back to the black masses, and I tried to walk another way only to be walking up a nearby tree.

Oh, I just remembered I left my wallet in my back pocket and used my Sam's Club reward card to open the front door and now I have ramen.